"They have a completely separate vegan menu here!! I ordered the Biryani with soy meat, and that’s where my folly began. “I’m in Europe” I thought. “The spice tolerance of the Spanish is weak as hell, inversely related to the spice of all the countries they colonized.” With this in mind, I decided to order my dish “Phall”, as hot as possible. I’m no stranger to spicy food, but I knew I was in trouble when they brought the dish out and my eyes started tearing up simply being near it. I saw the glint in the servers eye as he set it before me, the upturned corners of his lips foreshadowing the nightmare to come. The first bite was unforgiving, my throat burned, and my fight or flight instincts started kicking in. My friends shared nervous glances as I began to cough, and I swallowed a few more bites to ensure it was not just a fluke. However, my entire digestive track started to slowly turn to liquid fire, and my brain turned to mush when faced with this never ending burn. This was hotter than the 3x spicy vegan chicken ramen, hotter than any raw pepper I had eaten, and I can only guess was prepared with nothing but malicious intent and to cause me maximal pain. I passed the dish around the table and no one else was able to stomach more than a single bite, which made me feel validated. However, my server called over the cook to come over and laugh at the tears and sweat pooling on my forehead, and my gasps as I said, “yeah, everything’ tastes great.” I went to the bathroom 4 times to refill my water bottle because Europeans don’t believe in water being a fundamental human right. As we left the restaurant I could barely walk straight, my knees were weak and my eyes struggled to adjust to the new, harsher world that I had suddenly found myself in. I took more than half of the food home, because I don’t want to waste food, and for days afterwards the fiery temptress would call out to me from the fridge, enticing me to take a few bites which would immediately send me to a state of deep regret. It was like a toxic relationship that you can’t seem to give up, a harmful drug that you can’t quite quit. This meal was memorable for days afterwards, mostly because I was forced to remember it each time I used the restroom. Would go again, maybe with a little less spice"
